If I were AJ Preller I would simply make this team better situated to win the NL West, NL Championship and then of course, the World Series. I’d leave the details to minions that once toiled for blogs and whatnot, but that would be my vision. The Padres better hurry up and implement this vision, as they are fast learning fame is fleeting. Oh sure, Fernando Tatis Junior is the sexiest motherfucker on the field, but he can’t just will this team into the playoffs. He’s trying, I’ll give him that, and it is the most fun thing on TV when he’s playing, but he needs help. So back to my plan.

The trade deadline is finally in view. AJ has some tinkering to do. He really is in the tuning stages of this roster construction. There might be a spot or two that could use an overhaul, but most are running smooth and could just need some accompaniment. I guess we can go around the horn and then to the outfield and finally the battery. Doing so starts us with the biggest steaming pile of dung since Jeff Goldberg posed oh so pretty in Jurassic Park. I probably should have just used a gif for this paragraph.

Eric Hosmer is our stinking pile of dung. I know you are thinking that is disrespectful to the dung, but it’s shit. It doesn’t have feelings. It just stinks. Like the face Eric Hosmer makes when he is seeing a one hopper coming from across the diamond. It’s ugly. You just hope it’s not really bad. You know it’s gonna be bad. And that is just his … hahaha I almost said defense. At the plate he is not much better than THE WORST FIELDER IN MLB. He’s hitting like 20th out of 22 or so qualified. Sometimes a little better, sometimes worst, but it’s bad. And he can’t slug for shit.

So what to do about Hoz? How do we improve there? I mean maybe get literally anyone else. Literally everyone else. Just get rid of him and play absolutely anyone in an MLB uni and at one point employed to play first base there instead. Now Hoz, Chief, if you will, he has a full no trade clause. Probably have to trade Chief to the Yankees to get back a decent prospect. I think Hoz would dig NY. My other idea was the Olympic team. Just send Chief to the training site. Todd Frazier might be fun at 1B for a bit. But the Padres need to get better. Go for Colin Moran. He deserves to play for a decent team.

Second base is pretty well manned. Preller didn’t skimp on roster spots that could man the keystone. I know Jake Cronenworth has slumped a bit while hitting top five, but he’s back down and in a good spot to do damage with his pretty swing. And he is arguably the best defender on the field. If he hits well enough that kid might win a gold glove.

Shortstop just got your girl pregnant. Everyone is happy. Joe Musgrove drinks beer for free for the rest of his life. Fernando gets to do whatever he wants in the beautiful city of San Diego for 14 years. And then some. So short is set. Besides, what could you get for him in a trade? Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani? Would that be enough? The Angels would probably have to throw in Jo Adell. Maybe Brandon Marsh too.

Third is a lot like short. But with a lot more swagger. He’s bigger, he can pull it off. He hits the ball as hard as anyone in MLB. Those scorchers need to find some green space a bit more. I’m just ready to see Manny heat up with some power and start peppering the upper tank at Petco. Have you been watching him play third all season? He’s the best. He honestly is. If you can’t agree with this we might not be able to be friends. I’ll still love you but it will be different, you know?

Moving to the outfield, in left Tommy Pham has turned his season around and is now doing Tommy Pham things. He is once again an OBP machine and scoring runs. He is a strong table setter and looks healthy. He is in a contract season, so I’d expect his resurgence to continue. He’s not playing at a position in need of an up grade.

Center field is on lock down once again. Keeping Trent Grisham on the field will probably be a key to the Padres playing in the post season, so hopefully his heel is good to go for the second half. His nice combination of speed, power and excellent defense will be available to the Padres for years to come. He is a luxury the team has sorely missed since probably Steve Finley.

Wil Myers is still manning right field. It somehow feels remarkable he has made it this far through his contract. But Wil can still contribute. He is an above average hitter and no worse than neutral defender in right. Maybe it’s a spot to try and upgrade, but honestly I’d love to see Wil stick around and help this club win a championship. I think the position to upgrade is the fourth outfielder.

Which brings us to the bench. Jurickson Profar is all smiles. He lights up a bench, clubhouse or field. Unfortunately this season that smile is not lighting up his bat. He’s awful across the board. And they just signed him for what, seven years? I swear Preller is a great tipper. The way he doles out salaries you know he is a good tipper. I’ve seen arguments against him starting and yet he is still easily qualified for ABs. He’s probably be better as a fifth OFer and a utility guy in the field. Acquiring someone to take those at bats for Profar is a good place to try and get more production. I could see them moving on from Mateo if this happens.

Ha-seong Kim is a great bench peace to cover three spots. He’s also hitting at a solid clip this month. He might be figuring MLB pitching out a bit. Of course there will be the counter, as MLB pitching figures him out and he will have to adjust again, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. He’s playing very good defense and spot starting and covering for injuries. This is not a weakness of the bench.

Catching primarily is about health more than upgrades too. Getting Austin Nola back at the end of the month should be a boost to the offense. Victor Caratini has been a solid if not steady backstop in his enhanced role. Webster Rivas has been a perfectly cromulent replacement.

Darvish Musgrove and Lamet will be extremely formidable in the post season. Snell and Paddack will help get them there and be awesome in the pen once there. There is depth in the minors and of very high quality. This is the best starting pitching staff the Padres have ever had. I’d say they are good here.

The pen is strong and deep and about to add to the depth once Matt Strahm and Drew Pomeranz return. This is another area of strength for the Padres. Not that I would suggest trading from this strength. No, I say hoard it. It will serve you all season and post. Mark Melancon is a godsend. No team can have to many of them on a team.

So there you have it. You got yourself a cesspool situation at first, and can move Profar down a spot on the bench. Of course Preller will do something unpredictable because I am not a minion. I have no idea what is going on. I think his needs are minimal not like last season where he accelerated his build tremendously and pushed for his first post-season. The second half starts next week. Time to fine tune this team into a championship contender.