Man, Do I Hate Those Giants – A Rebuke of the Stupid San Francisco Giants and Their Stupid Stadium

So yesterday didn’t go according to plan for the Padres.  Needing one win to get back to .500, the team blew it.  The Padres new/old BIG BAT, Xavier Nady, cleanup hitter extraordinaire, hit a bomb, and that was about it for the offense.  Ian Kennedy threw 6 great innings, and then coinciding with me reaching the black zone, started to implode and gave up 3 runs and that was that.

Now the stupid Giants are in town.  That means stupid Giants fans are in town also.  A lot of people hate the Dogers the most, but call me a non-conformist, I kind of hate the Giants the most.  They are managed by ol’ Big Head McGee Bochy, a man that could take losing Padres baseball better than anyone, easing into a simple “gotta tip your cap to them” quote after every terrible loss.  Their stadium is OK and all, but I will go to the grave saying that Petco is about equal to AT&T.  You walk in and are met with a hot pink glowing escalator to Virgin America level at AT&T with bumping, lame club music and neon.  Ha ha, key word: virgins.  Meanwhile us Padres fans are knee deep in poon, pounding slit left and right, AMIRITE GUYS?!?!?  Especially us bloggers!  Sure CF is cool with all the food and crap, but it’s not a great place to watch the game.  And WOW, you can kayak in the frigid waters off RF that’s named for former Padres great Willie McCovey.  GET YOUR OWN LEGENDS TO NAME STUFF AFTER, GIANTS!  Next thing you know, they’ll be naming their left field bleachers the Kevin Mitchell Porch.  HE’S OUR KEVIN MITCHELL!  I had the pleasure/horror of sitting in their RF upper deck last season.  You feel so much further from the field there than you do in similar seats at Petco.  The food wasn’t as good, the beer wasn’t nearly as good.  Anchor Steam is available in every grocery store from here to Augusta, Maine.  It’s not a special microbrew you can only get in San Francisco, yet it’s pushed everywhere.  Get back to me when you have something of the quality of Speedway Stout on tap at your stupid park. 

Tonight, noted penis-eater Matt Cain takes the hill for the putrid Giants.  Future All Star Tyson Ross is on the hill for the Padres and I’ve got a real feeling we are looking at the first no-hitter in Padres history.  What, you think human garbage disposal Pablo Sandoval is going to hit Ross’ unfair slider?  Doubtful, he hasn’t been able to see his penis when looking down for going on 13 years now.  Hunter Pence?  Not even worth a half pence (CURRENCY HUMOR!).  So everyone sit back, and let’s watch the Giants get totally dismantled before our FEARSOME offense (Mike Dee said today, if we are just patient enough, the team will come alive offensively.  Huston Street also said verbatim “we don’t have an outstanding offense”.  CONFIDENCE!). 

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