Alternate Universe Padres: Advertising


With one final swing of the hammer, the cursive ‘r’ that completed the neon “Budweiser” sign in right-center field dislodged from the wall, signifying the end of corporate sponsorships at the ballpark formerly known as PETCO Park.

“Today is a great day,” bellowed Padres Principal Owner Peter Seidler before leaving the press conference early to embark on an eleven stop book signing tour to promote his NY Times bestselling self-help biography: Public Speaking for Champions & So Can You.

Adding to his sterling reputation as a beacon of forthrightness, Padres President Mike Dee answered question after question from the inquisitive press, stopping multiple times to unambiguously set the record:

I will never allow Padres Park to be used for advertising purposes. Not one inch, not one facade, not one section, and not even one measly seat. Nothing.

The bold marketing strategy (or lack thereof) caught the attention of Twitter personality Darren Rovell, who squeezed in a Padres-related tweet, sourcing a dollar figure an armchair economist told this guy whom Darren himself occasionally chats with at the community pool, between a frenzy of old Des Moines Register newspaper clippings related to Nike shoes.

“Our product speaks for itself,” Dee continued. “We don’t need to misrepresent the team to sell tickets, just as we don’t need to misrepresent the spirit of a San Diego franchise by employing transparent money grab gambits like physical advertisements.”

As the press conference ended, fans poured into Padres Park to savour the moment. The soft sea breeze rolled over their shoulders. Children laughed and teary-eyed adults grasped the moment. Only pennants and retired jersey numbers looked down upon them. And all was good.


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