Alternate Universe Padres: New GMs

Alternate Universe Padres

Welcome to Alternate Universe Padres, a recurring series where I take current Padres news and analyze it in an Alternate Universe.

Now that the Padres have also announced the hiring of A.J. Preller, one gigantic question lingers: how will all four of the new general managers get along?

Before we can answer that, though, we need to recap how we got here. In a mildly surprising turn of events, the Padres have chosen to hire all four of the final GM candidates after management determined that all four could help the baseball team win another World Series.

“Fuck it,” said Ron Fowler. “Let’s hire all four. I don’t need the money.”

And so it is.

Here’s what we know about the supplementary role each new hire will fulfill, in addition to their share of the GM duty:

  • A.J. Preller will lead the Padres’ international scouting division. Some of the names he helped recruit in his time with Texas includes Jorge Alfaro, Yu Darvish, Leonys Martin, Rougned Odor, Jurickson Profar, and Nomar Mazara.
  • Billy Eppler replaces Frank Anthony and all the fired ushers as Chief 1998 Historian, reporting directly to Mike Dee’s conscious. (Don’t tell Mike Dee that Eppler wasn’t here for 1998.)
  • Kim Ng immediately assumes the role of Token Female. “Gotta have one of those,” said Wayne Partello. “Let’s me mix in ‘Girls Just Wanna Fun’ and other babe jams at team events. That like…doubles my repertoire.”
  • It is unclear what role Mike Hazen will fill. “I forget what the fourth guy does,” said team President Mike Dee.

Mystery, however, abounds with how the arrangement will ultimately work out.

Baseball fans with deep historical knowledge of the game may recall the 1961 and 1962 Cubs employing the “College of Coaches” strategy, where four different men rotated as the Cubs acting manager. The system ultimately proved fruitless.

To the best of our knowledge, though, no team has ever rotated GMs or employed a flock of GMs, like the now thinking-rich Padres will brazenly attempt.

But that’s our Padres, isn’t it? Unafraid to try new ideas and think outside the box. How could it be any other way?


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