Pablo. Sandoval. Is. Not. A. Superstar.

That prophetic statement by itself should be enough, case closed, that’s all folks, to convince Padres fans that not signing Pablo Sanchez is just dandy. But unfortunately we now live in a world where candy bars no longer cost a wooden nickel, so it’s no wonder my two cents don’t go as far!

Yes, Pab’s digits are hotsy-totsy in October. But what about on May 17ths? I bet he’s 0 for 50, with no homeruns, no hits, no grand slams, and no solo shots. As if 0 for 50 was acceptable, how could the Padres survive Salazar’s 0 for 50s and no homeruns? Oh, I get it: the Padres are just supposed to surrender May 17ths!

Not. On. My. Dime.

Look, I know Ron Fowler personally. He’s a good man. Good men don’t do things bad men do. That would make them bad men, and I’ve already said Ron’s a good man. That wouldn’t make any sense and I know Ron Fowler, remember? That’s why not signing Sanderson makes sense.

Just to be sure I know my onions on the topic, I logged into AOL and searched for information regarding Pueblo’s baseball history. My suspicions were confirmed: Sensabaugh has no relation to Willie Mays and wasn’t even born in the same country! Wasn’t even born in the same country!!! Different. Countries!!!!!

Instead of playing back seat bingo with fat guys – sage advice I’m glad my father-in-law withheld! – the Padres should be focused on gritty guys who don’t even acknowledge batting gloves exist. The type of guys who could fix your car by listening to the engine on a phonograph. Mickey Mantle. Or Ted Williams, if he could play third like Frank Robinson.

And only for five million dollars.

But to think that Pablo Sandoval was worth the money? Applesauce! Everyone who does should just pass me that giggle water. I’m going to need it with the Chargers’ upcoming schedule!