Alternate Universe Padres: Padres sign Pablo Sandoval

Alternate Universe Padres

In a move that came out of nowhere, the San Diego Padres have agreed to terms with Pablo Sandoval on a five year deal worth in excess of $100 million.

The news came as a shock to Padres fans, as no media outlets had reported the Padres’ interest in Pablo Sandoval.

“We don’t particularly care for getting the team name into the headlines just for the sake of publicity, and we believe it’s a competitive advantage not to broadcast our intentions,” said team president Mike Dee.

Pablo Sandoval is now set to join the long line of free agents the Padres have added over the past decade, and will likely platoon against low-ball pitchers at both third base and designated hitter (when the team plays in an AL Park).

“How could you not accept an offer from the Padres?” Pablo reasoned at his press conference. “Their reputation precedes them. I gladly took less money to sign here, although my agent and I knew that money was never a concern when negotiating with the Padres.”

Jeff Moorad could not be reached for comment on this story. He was most recently spotted driving a blue Ferrari up the 101 past Ventura, the sun glistening off his recently polished World Series rings.

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