Alright, maybe you were too “cool” or old to truly enjoy Pokémon Cards, but I was not. I had an awesome grandfather who dated an older woman whose son owned a comic book store; the story ends with me getting roughly 100-200 unopened packs of Pokémon Cards one Christmas in the midst of the Pokémon Card craze. I was instantly “cool” and spent the rest of my youth trading excess Venusaurs from my newfound Pokémon collection.

This post is for everyone who misses the days where the only trade in which you’re worried about a ripoff is that Pokémon card trade you’re about to make, not the trade the Padres are about to make where your favorite player ends up on another team in exchange for a giant pile of nothing. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, AARON POREDA!

Without further ado, welcome to Padrémon. This should be pretty self-explanatory.

I can’t decide if this Padrémon is good or not

Okay, so normally the coin flip is more substantive than simply making your opponent think something, but hey…maybe they’ll lose their train of thought or something. It’s a competitive advantage, no matter how small!

Truthfully, he’s a pretty average Padrémon, especially once you take into the account the fact that it must evolve from a Rizzo. No one has that many Rizzos to evolve from all willy nilly! You only had one, Josh!

You definitely don’t want this Padrémon

Fucking Amarista. You shouldn’t waste your lightning energy, I mean playing time, or space in your deck, err space on the 40-man, for this guy. Dude doesn’t do any damage and that coin flip is just a waste of everyone’s time! JUST LIKE REAL LIFE AMARISTA!!!

I wanted to make him resistant to common sense managerial tactics, but apparently that’s not a valid Pokemon type. Plus, when I super-imposed Bud Black’s head into the resistance area of the card, it just looked tacky.

Alexi Amarista is simply a filler card. He’s the one you skim past because you’ve got ten of those fuckers already. He’s the Diglett of Padrémon.

Thankfully, the new general manager will probably get rid of him. Wait…what’s that you transcribed from the Season Ticket Holder Conference Call, Jagoff?

AJ really values versatility in players. Someone tell Amarista his job is safe

— Padres Jagoff (@PadresJagoff) August 7, 2014

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

A niche Padrémon that you probably miss for all the wrong reasons

From a gameplay standpoint, this Padrémon is pretty worthless. A 20 point attack dependent upon a coin-flip? Count me out.

However, if that kid down your street happens to collect Kemplypuff or other Dodrémon, throw this dude in your deck and you’re set! Just enjoy the look on that kid’s face when you add Claytonite to your bench. You’ll enjoy it all the way up to the moment, ten seconds later, that the kid’s father buys him the best remaining Fréagéntmon on the market. You’ll have no choice but to cry when the next pack you purchase is full of Amaristas and Marquisanders.